Gramps Gets a Tattoo!

Injecting ink into people's skin is big business these days, and the "body modification" industry, which includes piercing, has been growing briskly in recent years. According to a 2018 analysis by Market Research, in the U.S. about $1.35 billion is spent on tattoos, another $900 million on body piercing, and about $700 million on tattoo removal.  This totals about $3 billion per year, nearly double the amount spent in 2007.

Fun Times

At one time, displaying a tattoo was considered a mark of delinquency, drunken misjudgment, criminality, or rebellion against mainstream society.  Today it is far more acceptable and regarded by many as a reasonable thing to do as an artistic expression of personal identity.  A 2021 survey by Statistica found that 35% of Americans report having one tattoo, and about 20% have 2-3. The percent of 30-39 year-olds with 1 or more tattoos doubled from about 28% to 55% in 2015.  Today's mainstream acceptance of tattooing is illustrated by another recent study by Market Research in which 30% of college graduates reported having 1 or more tattoos.

Although most people get their first tattoo while young (40% when 18 years or younger), there is a

Looking Good!

growing trend for people in their 60's, 70's , and even older to get tattooed.  Many of them are retirees who feel they are no longer constrained by considerations of workplace acceptability and career advancement. There is also a common feature of geezerdom that involves an attitude of  "who cares what others may think -- I'll do what I want." As one tattoo artist put it:

“They hit the ‘screw it’ stage — ‘I’m going to do what I want, and screw the rest of the world,’ ” said Sandy Parsons, 63, co-owner of Great Southern Tattoo in Alexandria and College Park, where business from people older than 50 has gone up by 30 percent in the past 20 years. Two or three times a week, someone older than 50 comes in for a first tattoo. (Tara Bahrampour)

In addition to the rebellious codger attitude, there is likely a desire among some older tattoo recipients to identify with being young again, like all those all those 30-somethings they see sporting ink these days. Better to look like that than just another geezer with liver spots.

Speaking of liver spots, older skin can pose a number of problems for tattooing.  Not only does older skin have more blemishes, sags, and bags, it can also be much thinner than young skin, and therefore more susceptible to bruising and bleeding, something I've explored previously ad nauseum in "Geezer Grease: My Missed Opportunity to Make Bazillions."  Age-related health conditions can also make tattooing more challenging -- like diabetes and coronary treatments with blood thinners, which make bleeding more likely.  This can lead to the ink "blowing out" and leaking into adjacent areas and spoiling the tattoo design. Skilled tattoo artists who are experienced with older clients can ameliorate some of the issues, for example by setting their needles to a shallower depth and working more slowly.  It seems to me that the designs themselves might be adapted to these challenges, though I lack the artistic sensibility to create examples.  For instance, imagine a design that can morph gracefully and artfully from detailed realism to abstract smoosh depending on the amount of "blowing out."  Or designs that can incorporate blemishes like liver spots, making them features, not flaws, like say spots in a small leopard or markings on a snake. And wrinkles, sags and bags?  Sure -- just look at artists like Salvador Dali and other surrealists for possible inspiration!

You Be The Judge

So far we've considered only the issues involved when people get tattoos when they're older.  Another of this seems relevant for today's ink-happy young'ns to consider. You will get old....and so will your tattoos.  That cute little smiley face on your young tight butt may eventually swell to a thin-mouthed pudgy-puss or morph into Mr. Potato Head as the cellulite takes over.  And that lovely hummingbird on your calf might become a rather evil-looking pterodactyl as the chicken-skin takes over.  Finally, the inks in tattoos fade over time, and a gorgeous colorful pattern at 22 can be nearly monochromatic as the decades march on relentlessly.  I think there is real opportunity here to make gazillions if an entrepreneur can somehow combine computer software that can project the ways that age can transform the human body with software that can map different possible tattoo

Well......

designs onto those changes.  This would allow a preview that could greatly help in deciding which tattoo to select and where to put it.  This might have to be pretty sophisticated programming to take into account each individual's own body type, family background, and life-style choices for predicting how that person's body might change over time. However, I'm sure there are many geek-coders out there who could rise to the challenge.

You may be wondering if I have any tattoos or if I'm considering getting any. A definite double NO to that. I'm getting more accepting of other people having tattoos, except when I think they've taken it too far.  I also question whether they realize that the values and bold statements of identity they're making are almost certainly going to change later in life. And I've certainly hit that "screw it" stage of life and what others think of me has much less power than it used to. But even though I'm far from delighted with the way my aging body looks these days,  I'm pretty sure that covering it with ink won't help. Rather, I'm working on coming to grips with the idea that maybe it's more important to accept that this is the normal and inevitable consequence of living.

Note: All photos of people's tattoos are from a Buzzfeed post by Alison Caporimo 

Reference Sources and More Information:

https://www.statista.com/statistics/721567/number-of-tattoos-united-states/

http://www.historyoftattoos.net/tattoo-facts/tattoo-statistics/

https://blog.marketresearch.com/tattoo-parlors-tattoo-removal-is-now-a-booming-3-billion-industry

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/06/science/tattoos-cells-laser-removal.html

https://www.livescience.com/14212-tattoo-laser-removal-popular.html

http://www.parscientific.com/InfinitInk.html 

https://www.npr.org/2014/02/21/280213268/job-seekers-still-have-to-hide-tattoos-from-the-neck-up

https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/grandparents-and-retirees-get-tattoos-fulfilling-lifelong-dreams-and-raising-eyebrows/2013/09/21/b95a0e5c-219e-11e3-b73c-aab60bf735d0_story.html

https://www.buzzfeed.com/alisoncaporimo/24-reasons-to-never-get-a-tattoo

Zork Recalled, Earth Mission Aborted

Special Statement from the Intergalactic Expeditionary Council, Galactic Date 143009.6388:

The previous transmission from Agent Zork Zynt was the last the Council received, except for an automated distress message shortly afterward.  The Emergency Extraction protocol was initiated, and Agent Zynt was transported to the nearest galactic base.  His poor neurological condition prompted the Council to consign him to the Rehabilitation Facility on Xyborg 6, where he has made excellent progress toward a recovery, but still has a long way to go.

When he became more coherent he was able to report more fully on the cultural conditions of planet Xv406.98, known locally as "Earth."  It seems the cultural maturity of humans had been significantly overestimated by earlier reconnaissance assessments. According to Zynt, the true situation at this time is an unacceptable level of planet-wide violence, authoritarian tendencies, tribalism, intolerance, and extremism. These characteristics make human progress in science and technology quite dangerous, and have subsequently led Council analysts to estimate the odds of the species surviving an existential crisis over the next 500 solar cycles at roughly 50/50. However, Zynt suggested that there may be some hope that human capacity for compassion, altruism, and social responsibility will yet prevail in the future.

All agents from the planet have been recalled and a No Contact proclamation has been issued for the next 3,000 solar cycles.  Periodic brief observational missions will be conducted as remote monitoring seems to warrant. Agent Zynt has bravely volunteered for those missions, but he must recover more fully and be cleared by the medical unit before being assigned to such a stressful experience.  His lack of a full recovery at this time is suggested by his muttering during regenerative cycles about the merits of something called "Krispy Kremes."

 

Is Wombat Poop Really Square??

Ok, I must draw your attention to my long-standing and possibly pathological preoccupation with all things scatological, i.e., having to do with poop (see, for example Cleaning Up Poop In Paradise, or At Last! A Poop Museum!, among others).  If you find this alarming or offensive you should stop reading now and go do something more productive, like sorting your socks.

The answer to the question, "Is Wombat poop really square?" is "yes."  There's a bit more to it than that, however.

Cute little buggers. (Science Mag.)

A wombat is a racoon-sized marsupial that is native to Australia.  My wife and I encountered them in person during a visit to Tasmania, first at a wildlife park and then in the wilds at a place called Cradle Mountain.  And it was at Cradle Mountain that we observed first-hand the marvelous phenomenon of square(ish) Wombat poop.  We were walking along one of the boardwalks maintained by the Cradle Mountain Lodge and came across several specimens of poop that kind of looked like charcoal briquets.  Being the poop-o-file that I am, I conducted a careful up-close inspection that confirmed it was indeed excrement.

 Later, on a guided walk with a naturalist, we came upon a Wombat in nearly the same spot. The naturalist confirmed that Wombat poop is square, but explained that it comes out as a blob that the Wombat pats into cubes to mark its territory -- the shape makes it harder for rivals to move it off the path. Clever, eh? And definitely a candidate for the Poop Museum! 

Poop in Progress

 

Perfect! (Science Mag)

That was the state of our knowledge for many years until very recently, when I saw a thorough scientific analysis published in the venerable Science Magazine just a few days ago.  It turns out, the poop actually comes out of the Wombat as cubes!!! The article, by Tess Joose, summarizes research done by a group of scientists at Georgia Institute of Technology and in Australia.  Their study was published in a hard-nosed scientific journal with the delightful name, Soft Matter.  It seems the intestines of Wombats are unique in the animal world, and have evolved to produce "poop-cubes."  Here's an excerpt from journal article's abstract, or summary:  

Wombat dissections show that cubes are formed within the last 17 percent of the intestine. Using histology and tensile testing, we discover that the cross-section of the intestine exhibits regions with a two-fold increase in thickness and a four-fold increase in stiffness, which we hypothesize facilitates the formation of corners by contractions of the intestine. Using a mathematical model, we simulate a series of azimuthal contractions of a damped elastic ring composed of alternating stiff and soft regions. Increased stiffness ratio and higher Reynolds number yield shapes that are more square. The corners arise from faster contraction in the stiff regions and relatively slower movement in the center of the soft regions... (Yang et al., 2021)

Got it?  Bottom line:  Wombats poop out cubes.  

So the "what" and "how" are now clear.  But the "why" is more speculative.  So far the best explanation is still that it serves to keep these little territorial markers in place, particularly in rocky or steep locations.

Oh, and there is still one more unanswered question:  "Does it hurt?"

Zork in Distress

 [The Intergalactic Council, Expeditionary Division, received the following batch transmission of delayed reports from Agent Zork Zynt, assigned to the Earth unit "USA."  We are still looking into the cause of the delay, but engineers suspect a misalignment in the gravitational wave membranes that provide the message relay route.  At any rate, it was these reports that led the Council to consider recalling all Earth agents and quarantining the planet for a few thousand cycles to see if the civilization might survive and eventually be mature enough for contact.  As you will see, the messages from Agent Zynt suggest a progressive breakdown in his neural transmorgification due to extreme stress.]

Encrypted Transmission #020 Agent ZZ to IEC Local Date 1.2.21    

Uh...well, he got his wish. Mob stormed building where humans make rules for running society. Disrupted final step in electoral process. Get this, some of mob dragged a security officer down some steps and beat him with flagpoles holding the national flag to "Make America Great Again," following motto of leader. My pre-departure culture briefings must have been inadequate -- have anthro guys check their database for symbolic meanings of human beatings. Transmorgification breakdown may be getting worse. I don't seem to be able to focus clearly and my appendages are shaking occasionally for no good reason.  Even Krispy Kremes have lost appeal......

Encrypted Transmission #022 Agent ZZ to IEC Local Date 1.11.21

Pandemic out of control and getting worse.  We clearly overestimated human's ability to handle our experimental challenge.  Give them a failing mark for this test.  In my political unit many people claim their "right" to be "free" gives them a "right" to infect other people by not taking precautions, like wearing a mask  Does this make any sense?  Demaz gretchop fornzib zefart agzyp....there I go again! Human scientists here did very well in developing countermeasure vaccines, but can't get it distributed and administered because of lack of coordination, planning, and political agendas. In fact, large numbers believe inaccurate info claiming vaccines are harmful, maybe even a plot to exert mind control and refuse be vaccinated.  I don't think I can take much more of this. Besides, I'm beginning to hallucinate that Kryspy Kremes are growing eyeballs and tentacles -- more evidence of breakdown?

Reports from Earth: Agent Zynt Recovers!

 [Message from Intergalactic Council:  The following messages were received as a burst relay after we had lost contact with agent Zork Zynt stationed on subject planet "Earth" in a political unit named "USA." We feared for Zork's safety when he went dark for many cycles after a final message describing his possible symptoms of our experimental pandemic virus. The transmorgified bodies of all Earth agents should have been immune, of course, but something apparently went wrong, a matter currently under careful investigation.]

 Encrypted Transmission #017 Agent ZZ to IEC Local Date 11.15.20 

Tell the bio guys I take back all my previous kudoes, and that I'm going to kick them in their sperm-buds when I get back! Human body completely shut down from virus for at least 14 Earth cycles.  Lost consciousness and woke up in a puddle of body fluids, weak and without any body fat left and a very bad pain in digestive organ called "stomach." Felt better after a dozen Krispy Kremes. What happened to our special immunity!!! This assignment gets more and more dangerous -- both from the humans and now even our own kind! You idiots!

Encrypted Transmission #018 Agent ZZ to IEC Local Date 11.16.20

So, the pandemic experiment protocol hadn't planned on the ineptitude of human response, particularly in my zone.  Current leader denies it's real, ignores facts, encourages followers to ignore measures for curbing viral spread, claiming they violate something called "constitutional rights." Situation completely out of control.  Casualty count way more than we wanted. This isn't going well at all.

Encrypted Transmission #019 Agent ZZ to IEC Local Date 11.18.20 

Almost sorry I woke up.  Election in US zone now over, but these humans are still self-destructing and acting even crazier than before I lost consciousness. Leader and his followers claim victory, yet challenger received 6 million more votes and many more of votes of "Electoral College," a strange part of election process left over from days when citizens here enslaved each other.  Losers claim election rigged, but can't point to any evidence that holds up under scrutiny.  This is almost as bad as my assignment on Castix 4, where the inhabitants wound up eating each other....

Zork's Pandemic Reports from Earth

 [The following are agent Zork Zynt's reports that have been received so far regarding our pandemic experiment on Earth.  Note that after several early reports a batch of garbled transmissions leaves a significant gap in his observations.  Also note that he seems to become increasingly alarmed by the dysfunctional reaction of his study population to the viral agent, something we had not entirely anticipated though we had expected a certain level of chaos.  The batch ends with a disturbing suggestion that our immunization of field agents may not have been as effective as we believed......]

 ___________________________________

Encrypted Transmission #010 Agent ZZ to IEC Local Date 03.02.20

COVID19 experiment going nicely. Global panic spreading fast. Supports plan to use a fast spreading virus to cause chaos and social discord. More later.

Encrypted Transmission #011 Agent ZZ to IEC Local Date 03.07.20

Congrats to Bio Directorate engineers! COVID 19 perfect for global panic experiment -- moderate R0 and death rate, mostly elderly humans, just as designed . US leader ignoring facts, floundering to control panic. More later...

 Encrypted Transmission #012 Agent ZZ to IEC Local Date 03.15.20

Pandemic Experiment Directorate: Consider moving up timetable for next round -- humans seem unable to learn from experience. Get this. Many are claiming they have a right to spread virus by not wearing a mask! Chaos continues here. US leader prime source of misinformation.

 

Encrypted Transmission #013 Agent ZZ to IEC Local Date 03.19.20

 

Pandemic experiment still going better than expected. Our virus is working great -- weeding out those burdensome elderly humans. Kudos to the bio-guys. However, humans are acting more and more bizarrely and I'm getting worried. Report again soon.
 

 [Note -- several garbled transmissions occurred during this gap, Most were unintelligible and have been omitted.]

 

Encrypted Transmission #014 Agent ZZ to IEC Local Date 10.10.20

 

Cases of experimental virus on the rise again. Didn't expect this. In US over 220k dead, 8 million infected. Leader insists no big deal, wants to go for Herd Immunity (would require 150 million to be immune, around 4.5 million deaths at current rate). Some followers actually endorse this strategy -- obviously many humans lack compassion or good sense or both.

 

Encrypted Transmission #015 Agent ZZ to IEC Local Date 10.20.20

 

Not feeling so good. Human form leaking more that usual. Can't taste Krispy Kremes anymore. Are you sure field agents are immune to the experimental virus?  Can't seek medical treatment because that would reveal my non-human identity.  Nothing in my field kit helps. Please advise!