Terminate Me, Please!

**Warning: The following blog may cause hypertension, nausea, and/or strong feelings of indignation. If symptoms persist longer than four hours, too bad.**

Times are tough. As we all know, our economic downturn has led many middle-class Americans to lose their jobs, their retirement savings, and even their homes. Many more are hanging on by a financial thread, their income lowered from forced furloughs and pay cuts.

And don't think that this misery is confined to the middle class. Nosiree! According to a recent report by Forbes financial magazine regarding 2009 CEO salaries:

For the third consecutive year, the chief executives of the 500 biggest companies in the U.S. (as measured by a composite ranking of sales, profits, assets and market value) took a reduction in total compensation. The latest collective pay cut, 30%, was the biggest of the past three years (11% and 15% declines in the prior two years). This marks the first time in the past 20 years that total compensation declined in three consecutive years.

So there you go.  These guys are suffering, just like the rest of us.

Or maybe not.  According to the same Forbes report, "In total, these 500 executives earned $4 billion in 2009, which averages out to $8 million apiece."  (You can see the complete list here.  About 1/3 of the average compensation was in the form of exercised stock options.) Though certainly a cut from the average $14 million a few years back,  these CEO's are not exactly in the same dire straits that many of their workers find themselves in.  A study by UCSC professor G. William Domhoff cites some recent data that breaks this down more finely: 

...the median compensation for CEO's in all industries as of early 2010 is $3.9 million; it's $10.6 million for the companies listed in Standard and Poor's 500, and $19.8 million for the companies listed in the Dow-Jones Industrial Average. Since the median worker's pay is about $36,000, then you can quickly calculate that CEOs in general make 100 times as much as the workers, that CEO's of S&P 500 firms make almost 300 times as much, and that CEOs at the Dow-Jones companies make 550 times as much.

Thirty years ago top CEO's salaries were 30 times the average worker's.  In 1992 that ratio had risen to 82 times the average worker's salary,  and in 2004 it was 400 times .  Even with the recent economic downturn, top CEO compensation is still 344 times the average worker's salary.

Oh, and although the CEO's have suffered reductions in their direct compensation, during the latest period their retirement benefits (deferred compensation) have actual gone up 23%.  Well, that's some solace for them, at least.

It is often argued by those who defend this kind of disparity that CEO compensation is justified by the performance of CEO's in enhancing the profits of their companies, and that their pay is linked to how well the company is doing relative to its peers.  Unfortunately that argument doesn't hold water.  Data presented in the UCSC paper mentioned above shows that over the past 15 years the increase in CEO compensation is nearly independent of corporate profits, but instead is closely correlated with the stock market as measured by the S&P 500 Index.  (The average production worker's pay, which has increased only about 4-5% in the same period, isn't related to either corporate profits or the performance of the stock market.)

A number of other analyses reach the same conclusion regarding the lack of connection between executive pay and performance.  A 2010 Business Week article describes the work of  compensation consultant Graef Crystal, who examined last year's pay of 271 chief executive officers. His conclusion was that  "companies don't pay for performance."  According to the article, no matter how he parsed the numbers, Crystal discovered no relationship between shareholder returns and CEO compensation.  Another example is an analysis by business columnist Jeffrey Pfeffer, who has himself has served on executive compensation committees.  Pfeffer reports two key findings from his research:

First, the relationship between pay and performance is astonishingly small. One meta-analysis found that firm performance accounted for less than 5% of the variation in CEO pay, while company size explained about 40% of the variation. Second, there is no evidence that attempts at reform, such as more disclosure or ensuring that the compensation committees of publicly traded companies are comprised solely of independent directors, has had any effect... The problem: nothing in the process of setting CEO compensation produces a pay-performance link.

As disturbing as all this is, there is more to ponder.  As we know, many people have lost their jobs as a result of the downturn.  The average worker can expect a period of unemployment benefits that are barely enough to live on, and thanks to some recent government interventions, a continuation for a while of health benefits (COBRA) at reduced premiums.  Though helpful, this assistance hardly represents a windfall.

For the CEO's we've been talking about, however, termination is often quite lucrative.  One specific case in the news most recently is Mark Hurd, the CEO of HP who "stepped down" after a company investigation of sexual harassment charges against him.  The harassment allegations were not substantiated, but the company found he had falsified expense account records on numerous occasions to cover up his relationship with the woman involved, who was an independent contractor working with HP.  As Hurd admitted when he resigned, "I realized there were instances in which I did not live up to the standards and principles of trust, respect and integrity that I have espoused at HP."  He will lose his $24 million a year compensation package, of course.  But it may be hard for the average person to feel too sorry for him.  Hurd's termination agreement totals about $40 million --12.2 million in cash and the rest in HP stock.  Oh yes, and he'll get the government health benefits, for which HP will pay the premiums.

Although Hurd's termination package is considerably higher than the $5.8 million average for CEO's, it isn't nearly as large as some other high-profile cases.  As the Kellogg School of Management reported in 2007, Robert Nardelli, the former CEO of Home Depot, received $210 million, Disney’s Michael Ovitz received $140 million (after a mere 14 months on the job),  and Conseco’s Stephen Hilbert received $72 million.  Hurd did, however, do better than his predecessor at Hewlett-Packard,  Carly Fiorina, who received only $21 million when she was terminated.

According to the Kellog report,  three reasons why firms grant such lucrative severance packages to CEOs within their initial employment contracts are:  (1) to encourage risk-taking, (2) to provide insurance for an incoming executive, and (3) to compensate CEOs for entering into confidentiality agreements. The argument regarding risk taking is that since CEO compensation is 30-50% stock options, a CEO would hesitate to do anything that might drive down the stock price without a guaranteed cash severance package.  The insurance angle goes like this:  CEO's need to be protected against company downturns not under their control, which of course would lower the stock portion of their annual compensation.  The confidentiality compensation argument is that the terminated CEO may be hampered in future jobs because he or she can't use the specific information about a previous company in their new positions -- the severance package compensates for a possible lower salary due to such restrictions.

These arguments seem to me to imply a rather negative view of the average CEO.  That is, that CEO's are so attached to their salaries they will only work for companies who remove the negative consequences of risk (both risk resulting from their own actions and from factors not under their control), and who promise to compensate them in advance for possible future jobs where their proprietary knowledge might be relevant.  But then BP's Tony Hayward comes to mind, who certainly fulfilled the company's wish for risky behavior.  Hayward's severance package is estimated to be around $18 million.

We seem to have created a corporate world where performance and compensation are unrelated at the highest levels of management, and where those at the highest levels reap the rewards of risk and proprietary knowledge but do not suffer the potential downsides.

I've said before that I believe in meritocracy and that someone with a special, unique talent or skill or knowledge that is beneficial to society can be rewarded extravagantly and I don’t mind.  But this is something else, and it is something that isn't healthy for either our economic system or for the fabric of our society.

Confessions of a Selective Technophile

I was twelve years old when the Soviet Union launched the Sputnik I satellite.  The date was October 4, 1957.  The news shook the world, which was in the grips of the Cold War, and set off the space race.  For me it was mesmerizing and enthralling.  I remember lying in bed unable to sleep, listening to the signals from Sputnik being broadcast over the radio as the satellite passed over the U.S.  It was incredibly exciting to think that there was an object made by human beings circling the earth miles above my head.

By today's standards Sputnik I was a puny payload -- about the size of a beach ball and weighing 189 pounds.  But in those days that was huge, and suggested that the Soviets had powerful rockets that could also launch intercontinental ballistic missiles.  Then they upped the anti by launching a second satellite just a month later which was not only heavier by far, it also carried a live passenger -- a dog named Laika.  The U.S. had been working on a satellite, but had to rush to get it into orbit.  The first attempt in December ended after two seconds with an embarrassing explosion, or as the spin doctors described it, "rapid burning."  Success came on January 31, 1958 with the launch of the 31-pound Explorer I.

Fast forward fifty+ years.  The U.S. eventually won the Space Race and the Cold War, with some stunning technological achievements along the way, including landing a human on the moon.  We all can appreciate the moon landing and other manned missions because of the demonstrable element of danger and our personal identification with the astronauts.  But for me some of the unmanned missions illustrate the greatest technological achievements precisely because they were accomplished without humans on board.  There are many examples, such as the Mariner 2 probe to Venus,  the Lunar Surveyors,  the Mars Pathfinder and Mars Rovers, and the remarkable Voyagers I and II, which have been operating for over 33 years and are still communicating from 14 and 17 billion kilometers away.

But the one that still leaves me awestruck is the Galileo mission to Jupiter, mainly because of the difficulties that were overcome during the mission and because the probe was so resilient -- an interplanetary Energizer Bunny that kept going and going no matter what.  The Galileo probe was launched in 1989, and took 6 years to arrive at its destination.  Several technical problems developed on the way, but engineers managed to overcome them.  Once at Jupiter Galileo fulfilled its intended two-year mission, then continued to operate for another six years,  far surpassing its design parameters and surviving some of the harshest conditions imaginable from radiation around Jupiter's moons  It was intentionally crashed into the planet in 2003,  providing valuable scientific data right up to the end.

Galileo Photo of Ice Flows on Europa

 The scientific achievements of Galileo were very impressive.  On the way to Jupiter it flew close to two asteroids, Gaspra and Ida, the first spacecraft to visit an asteroid.  Galileo discovered that tiny Ida had an even tinier moon.  As it neared its destination, Galileo was able to observe and photograph in great detail the collisions of fragments of Comet Shoemaker-Levy with Jupiter.  During its six years in the Jovian system Galileo discovered strong evidence that Jupiter's moon Europa has a melted saltwater ocean under an ice layer on its surface, and found indications that two other moons, Ganymede and Callisto, have layers of liquid saltwater as well. Other major science results were observations of varied and extensive volcanic processes on the moon Io, measurements of conditions within Jupiter's atmosphere, and discovery of a magnetic field generated by Ganymede.

Galileo Photos of an Active Volcano on Io

The problems Galileo faced began early on, when its high-gain antenna failed to open fully.  This forced mission engineers to use the low-gain backup antenna, which reduced the data transmission rate to only 8-16 bits per second (sloooowwww),  later increased by various work-arounds to a still-glacial 160 bits per second, about 1/1000 of the high-gain speed.  This limitation made the data that was returned, especially the approximately 14,000 photos that were sent back, even more impressive.  And the signal was transmitted with only 20 watts of power!  Another problem that occurred before Galileo reached Jupiter was with the onboard tape recorder (parents, explain to your children that back in the olden days we actually recorded data on long strips of tape....)  that stored data for later transmission back to earth.  The recorder became stuck in rewind mode and damaged a section of tape near the end.  Engineers overcame the rewind problem and instructed the recorder not to use the damaged section of tape.  The recorder was also damaged late in the mission by high radiation near the moon Almathea, but this, too was overcome.

Other difficulties from radiation exposure were encountered, but none of them stopped the Bunny:

The uniquely harsh radiation environment at Jupiter caused over 20 anomalies in addition to the incidents expanded upon above. Despite exceeding its radiation design limit by at least a factor of three, the spacecraft survived all the anomalies. Several of the science instruments suffered increased noise while within about 700,000 km of Jupiter. The quartz crystal used as the frequency reference for the radio suffered permanent frequency shifts with each Jupiter approach. A spin detector failed and the spacecraft gyro output was biased by the radiation environment. The SSI camera began producing totally white images when the spacecraft was hit by the exceptional 'Bastille Day' coronal mass ejection in 2000 and subsequently on close approaches to Jupiter. The most severe effect was a reset of the computers (a CDS despun bus reset) that occurred when the spacecraft was either close to Jupiter or in the region of space magnetically downstream of the Earth. Work-arounds were found for all of these problems. (Wikipedia article on Galileo)

Ok, you get the idea.  To me, the Galileo mission  represents an awe-inspiring combination of technological know-how, applied science, ad-hoc problem-solving, and creative ingenuity which provided a close up view of strange new worlds and greatly increased our knowledge of the universe.  In this age of news filled with stories of greed, incompetence, political and social strife, environmental degradation, and economic collapse, it is tempting to become misanthropic and conclude that humans are just no damned good.  But then we do something like this and through such a wondrous technological expression of the human spirit, raise the possibility that maybe there is a glimmer of  hope after all.

Greasing Up In Greece

About 35 years ago my wife and I were traveling in Africa.  As part of our itinerary we were scheduled to visit Ethiopia, but some internal strife there led us to change our plans at the last moment and spend the time we had allotted in Greece instead.  Our improvised itinerary included renting a car and traveling around the Peloponnese Peninsula.  At that time we had sites like Delphi and Olympus pretty much to ourselves, despite the fact that we were there during the summer high season.  These days these sites are on the standard circuit of dozens of group tours and are visited by thousands of tourists.

For our return to Greece this year we decided to concentrate on the islands since we hadn't seen any on our first trip.  We contacted a Greek travel agent who specializes in island hopping packages and booked a custom "tour" for the two of us (hotels, transfers, ferry & plane tickets).

Compared to the extensive planning that goes into many of our trips, this went surprisingly easy.  Until Zeus and his buddies decided to challenge us a bit.  The Icelandic volcano blew up and threatened to cancel, postpone or reroute international air travel.  The Greek economy went into the dumper and the government's economic reforms sparked numerous strikes, some associated with violence, that threatened to make internal travel difficult and perhaps a bit risky.  However, we decided to go ahead -- life's an adventure, right?  Besides, we've found that the news media (both "mainstream" and "fair and balanced") tend to exaggerate and distort the negative aspects of situations like these.  And this turned out to be the case.  We found modern Greece to be one of the safest, cleanest, and most travel-friendly places we've visited.

The islands we visited were very different from one another in terms of geography, geology, size, history, social character, and level of tourist activity.  Some, like Naxos, Milos,  and Crete, have significant economic bases that lessen the importance of tourism and give them a more relaxed and laid-back atmosphere.  Others, like Santorini and Mykonos, are almost entirely dominated by tourism.  For instance, each morning 2-3 cruise ships arrive in Santorini's harbor and disgorge thousands of  passengers who elbow their way through the picturesque main town of Fira for a few hours and then return to the ships for an afternoon departure.  The same thing happens on Rhodes and Mykonos.  This is clearly one of the downsides of cruise-ship tourism.  An upside for those not on the cruise is that after all of those people leave it is very pleasant in the port towns;  having a drink in a sidewalk cafe, watching the cruise ships sail off into the Aegean, is a nice way to spend an afternoon.

 The Greek mainland oozes with history and with important archeological sites.  We were surprised to discover that so do the islands -- even the smallest of them.  For example, we spent most of one day on the tiny island of Delos, just a short boat ride from Mykonos.  Until around 70 b.c. it was the financial and trading center of the Mediterranean, complete with multiple agoras, temples to not just Greek gods, but those of contemporary powers as well, like Egypt, Italy, Syria, and houses of some very wealthy families.  Delos was also considered to be the birthplace of Apollo in Greek mythology.  On Milos we hiked to the spot where the famous statue "Venus de Milo" was originally located -- a niche along an avenue to the ancient theater.  On Crete we visited Knossos, one of the most famous examples of Minoan civilization.  And Rhodes was a major European base for the Knights during the Crusades,  not to mention the location of the famed Colossus of Rhodes.

The Greeks take all this history in stride, as do most Europeans in their own countries.  Having a connection to a place that goes back several thousand years gives them perspective on current issues that most Americans lack. 

One interesting thing we observed is that different islands seem to be favored by different groups of tourists.  In general we saw very few Americans, except on the places visited by cruise ships,  and of course in Athens.  The biggest single group seemed to be northern Europeans, especially Scandinavians, no doubt trying to recover from their sunless winters. The most common language was....English.  Since few visitors spoke Greek, the universal translator was the common language most learned a smattering of in school, which used to be French and now is English.  At restaurants we would overhear customers haltingly order their meals and then return to their native language.  We got along very well because I think the waiters found our English very clear!

Speaking of restaurants, Greece was similar to many other places we have visited where there is little or no  tipping:  the service was uniformly excellent.  This is contrary to the idea that the promise of a good tip is required to motivate a server to do a good job and provide extra personalized service. Nevertheless it is something we've seen time and again on our travels.  One interpretation is that the salary for wait staff is substantial enough that people view their work as valued and important, and strive to perform accordingly.
 
 This trip had many of the features that we value in travel:  interesting and unique locales, exposure to a different culture and way of life, historical richness, charming architectural character, and the opportunity to observe and interact with other travelers from backgrounds much different from our own.  It also reinforced our conclusion that we were fortunate to travel in earlier times,  before mass tourism developed the ability to negate the positive experience of these features.

Two Things That Will Change the World

**Warning:  The following blog contains prognostication that exceeds the credentialed informational acumen possessed by the author (i.e., he's blowin' smoke)**

In my last blog we looked at simple inventions with large impacts.  This blog will get more complex and more serious.  Get a cup of coffee, you may need it.

One of the phenomena I investigated during my working days as a social psychologist was how the internet and the World Wide Web are changing society.  I still follow this topic -- old social psychologists never die, they just  stop going to departmental meetings -- and it has been fascinating to watch  as this technology has become more and more central to our lives and altered our interactions.  One of the developments that I correctly predicted ten years ago was the move toward wireless connectivity.  I also correctly noted at that time that the cell phone, though not discussed nearly as much as the internet, was also changing society in dramatic ways.  What I missed, though, was that the two would be merged to have an even greater impact, a development we are seeing very clearly today.

Unquestionably the internet/cell phone combination has rapidly altered society in fundamental ways and stimulated a lot of debate about whether the changes are good or bad.  I predict, though, that there are two scientific fields that will change the world at least as much, and perhaps pose even greater challenges and dilemmas to society over the next 15-20 years:  Nanotechnology and Genetic Engineering.

I assume that nearly everyone has heard of these fields from depictions in current entertainment media and in recent splashy news accounts.  For example, male Star Trek fans will recall the rather visually intriguing connection of nanotechnology to the character Seven-of-Nine.  Michael Crichton readers will recall Prey, which combined nanotechnology with emergent artificial intelligence, and of course Jurassic Park, which explored the deathly downside of genetic engineering.  Readers of Neil Stephenson (who wrote Snow Crash, from which I took the title of this blog)  will remember his dystopian extrapolation of nanotechnology in Diamond Age.  Genetic engineering has been in the news frequently, mainly related to controversies surrounding genetically modified food, stem-cell research,  cloning, and the development of "synthetic life."

Nanotechnology involves the creation of very, very small devices, such as carbon tubes 1000 times smaller than a red blood cell.   Nano-structures can have some very interesting properties that scientists are only beginning to explore.  For instance, carbon nanotubes assembled together into large structures are hundreds of times stronger yet six times lighter than steel.  Other nano applications have the capacity to do physical "work," as illustrated by a range of devices called nanopumps, which can pass specific liquids back and forth through a membrane .  Coatings composed of certain nanoparticles can alter the characteristics of objects, for example by keeping them cooler or by making them scratch resistant, self-cleaning,  or sun resistant.  Nanotubes implanted in human tissue can act as energy producing transistors, fueled by the body's biochemistry and thus providing power for nano devices, such as tiny computers, that might be implanted under the skin.


Genetic Engineering refers to the direct manipulation of an organism's characteristics by altering its genetic structure.  This also takes place at a very, very small scale and like nanotechnology the consequences are enormous.  The key word here is "direct" -- humans have been altering organisms indirectly through intentional selection processes throughout our history.  In GE the alteration is carried out at the molecular level and the effects can be quite specific and unlikely to occur naturally.  Recent applications include modifying organisms to produce insulin, changing certain food crops to be disease resistant, and altering viruses so that they deliver chemotherapy drugs to cancer cells.  Gene therapy, in which genetic abnormalities are corrected by repairing, replacing, or turning off defective genes, is a major development in medical treatment of a number of diseases.  


There is also the very real possibility that nanotechnology and genetic engineering may be combined in certain ways.  For example,  UK researchers have conducted gene therapy in which genes were inserted into cancer cells that caused them to self-destruct.  The insertion was carried out by nano particles:  The genes were wrapped up in microscopic nano-particles which were taken up by cancer cells, but not their healthy neighbours. Once inside, the genes stimulated production of a protein which destroyed the cancer.

There are both utopian and dystopian views of  genetic engineering and nanotechnology, just as there are of  the internet.  On the utopian side are suggestions that these fields will solve the energy crisis, clean the planet, reverse global warming, solve world hunger, and eliminate disease.  On the dystopian side are arguments that we might unknowingly unleash dangerous substances into the environment,  poison our food supply, and create a race of genetically vulnerable humans.  Judging from history, predictions based on these extremes are unlikely to be correct  -- there are always unforeseen consequences of any technology, both positive and negative.  But it is clear that the potential applications of these two technologies are so varied and so far-reaching in their possible impacts that they will  indeed change the world.  Regardless of the specifics, our understanding of what a machine is, what the properties of familiar things are, what it means to be human, and what "life" is and how much it can be and should be controlled and by whom -- these and other fundamental views are about to change profoundly.

Duct Tape, Velcro and Cable Ties

I was at a party recently that included really good finger food and some interesting conversation.  This was a get-together where people knew each other at a casual level, so the discussions tended to be light and far ranging.  It was also a party where the couples were (a) "mature" and (b) had been married a long time, so that after a few minutes the discussion groups tended to be separated by gender.

At one point the group of men I was talking with drifted onto the topic of the wonders of  duct tape (now marketed as Duck Tape). We all readily agreed on its usefulness, and several of the men related stories of how they had used it creatively to solve problems.  It was pointed out that duct Tape was an example of an invention that was simple yet could be adapted to many uses beyond its original intent (in the case of duct tape, this was to seal ammunition boxes in WWII).  Now, of course,  its uses range from fashion to car repairs .

The conversation then turned to other inventions that  had similar properties, though weren't quite as legendary as duct tape.  One was the cable tie, those strips of plastic that have little teeth on one side and a buckle at one end.  Pulling the tie through to buckle in a loop locks the strip in place because the buckle has a wedge that engages with the teeth and prevents the strip from moving backward.  The simplicity of the design makes these little suckers incredibly cheap and easy to produce. As the name suggests, one of the most popular uses of these is to bundle wires or cables together and/or to secure them to something else.  However, just like duct tape, the cable tie has been adapted for many, many other uses, from handcuffing criminals to closing someone's chest after heart surgery.

So here's the challenge:  What do you think should be added to a list of the most useful inventions of the last couple of hundred years?  I'll start off with Velcro, which -- like duct tape -- has only been around since the '40's.  Preference will be given to simple items like these.  Maybe in a later blog we can take on nominations for inventions that have most changed society, like the microwave oven.  (Also, in my next blog I'll discuss a couple of things that will change everything.....)

Here's the list so far.  To make an addition submit a comment (anonymously if you prefer) and I'll add it to the list:

1. duct tape
2. cable ties
3. velcro

Added:

     4.  springs
     5.  rubber bands
     6.  tooth picks
     7.  paint
     8.  paper clips

Does Size (Of Government) Really Matter?

**Warning:  The Following Blog May Pose a Choking Hazard to Readers Who Are Fond of Tea**

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you won't be surprised when I say that I am old enough to remember vividly the Vietnam War era.  It was a time of tremendous social and political upheaval in the U.S.  Many people of my age deeply distrusted government when it became clear that politicians were lying about the justification for entering the war, and misleading us regarding its course.   The conduct of the war included atrocities and tactics that were contradictory to America's claim to being the world's "good guys."  Youth culture upset established values and ethics.  We were torn by the assassinations of the John and Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King.  The arguments about the issues of the day became more and more polarized, with a lot of pressure to identify with extreme positions even if you didn't agree with them -- slogans of the day were things like "You're either with us or against us"  "America, love it or leave it"  "If you're not part of the solution then you're part of the problem"  "If you're not my ally then you're my enemy."  It really seemed like the country was coming apart at the seams.

I'm not sure that things are as bad now as they were then, but I think we're getting close.  And of course added to today's malaise is the economic melt down and a growing feeling that our financial system can no longer be the source of pride it was once.  Just as assumptions about the sanctity of American's fundamental institutions were questioned during the Vietnam era, today we are also questioning the legitimacy of how we generate and distribute wealth.  And we are again in an era of extremism, in which our debates on these questions are framed in terms of exclusionary choices that for many of us are unpalatable in both directions -- "X" versus "Y" with no middle ground, where neither "X" nor "Y"  truly reflect many people's personal values and beliefs.

The current wave of anti-government sentiment, exemplified by the rise of the "Tea Party" and by the positions of the most vocal conservatives,  is frequently cast as a question of how large we want government to be and what level of control we want it to have in our lives.  Liberals, progressives, and socialists want big, powerful government that regulates all aspects of our lives.  Clear thinking patriots and conservatives want minimal government with little regulatory power.

I think this distinction is overly simplistic in two ways.  First, it can be argued that the question is as much about values as it is about size and power.  Many conservatives have no qualms endorsing a large and costly military establishment, or spending billions building a fence across our southern border, or allowing governmental intrusion into our private lives in an effort to protect us from terrorists or illegal aliens.  Big, powerful, expensive government can be very, very good, as long as it is seen as a manifestation of the "correct" values and priorities.

Second, the distinction is misleading because it characterizes all those who currently have anti-government feelings as having the same conservative philosophical position.  As the liberal Washington Post columnist E.J. Dionne, Jr. wrote recently:

The more important and dynamic force behind the current disillusionment with government comes instead from those who actually believe it can and should be effective. They do not think that the market is automatically rational or that the government has to be dumb. They are fed up with government not because their ideology or philosophy tells them to be but because they don't think government has been doing a proper job of promoting prosperity, equity and fair-dealing.

 I readily identify with the group Dionne is referring to, and it is very irritating to be grouped with people like Tim Bridgewater, Sara Palin, and the Tea Partiers because the solutions they offer are fundamentally unpalatable to me.  My beliefs about the proper role of government are nicely captured by another quote from Dionne's recent column:

The central tasks of democratic government, after all, typically involve standing up for the many against the few, the less powerful against the more powerful. Government is supposed to make sure that corporations are properly supervised when they turn public resources (the environment in the Gulf of Mexico, say) into private gain. It is charged with protecting those with weaker bargaining positions (coal miners, for example) against the harm that those in stronger bargaining positions might inflict.

Its duty is to keep the private economy running smoothly by preventing fraud, shady dealing and self-interested behavior that threaten the entire system. And yes, it's supposed to keep us safe from physical harm, as it did in New York [the recent attempted terrorist attack in Times Square].

I'd add that I want government to approach these tasks efficiently and economically, with minimal intrusion into my private life and with due regard for the civil rights of all Americans.  I accept that there are a variety of ways these tasks can be accomplished,  and that no one party or individual has all the answers.  Solutions to our problems require cooperation, compromise, and coordination among our lawmakers.  That is why I am so dismayed to see government in its current dysfunctional state.

 Coffee, anyone?

Does Your Pokemon Have Rectitude??

A regular weekly feature in the Washington Post for many years has been Style Invitational, in which readers are challenged to submit clever or humorous entries in several different word-play contests. For example, a recent challenge was to "'Spoonerize' a single word or a name by transposing different parts of the word (more than two adjacent letters), and define the resultant new term." Examples of solutions given in the column as illustrations:

• Bootlicker > Lootbicker: To argue in Congress over who gets the earmarks.
• Whappersnipper: Someone who assaults a mohel.
• Lugachug: To carry a cooler full of beer.
  

Now if you didn't find those at least mildly amusing, there's no reason to read any further, because it gets much worse.

An email widely circulating in cyberspace for over 10 years mistakenly reports the results of two of the Post's challenges as being from yearly events sponsored by Mensa, the high IQ society, and though this has been clearly denied by the author of the Post's column, the error still persists. In fact, my wife and I received a forwarded email just the other day claiming to list the winning entries of this year's contests. Even though the source is incorrectly identified, the results are legitimate and very amusing, depending on your taste in humor. The first challenge was to supply alternate meanings for common words. Here are the wacky winning entries:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.


2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.


3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.


5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.


6. Negligent, adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.


7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.


8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.


9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.


10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.


11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.


12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.


13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.


14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Ok, that was the warm-up. The second contest asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidental ly walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

I've written before about my sense of humor, and so I realize many of you may not share my enthusiasm for these nuggets. But if you do and you want more, go to the Washington Post and sign up for a free subscription. I did.